Are Black Women Scaring Off Their Men?
This is a bit of a departure from the everyday workings of Dallas South, but a friend of mine asked me my thoughts on this article and I finally go around to sharing them.
NOTE; Feel free to email me at shawn@dallassouthblog.com if you would like to suggest blog topics.
On September 1, 1991, author Joy Jones wrote what was then an extremely controversial article in the Washington Post titled Are Black Women Scaring Off Their Men?:A Fighting Spirit Is Important-But Not At Home. The success of this article inspired Ms. Jones to write Between Black Women:Listening With the Third Ear. The question posed by Ms. Jones 15 years ago continues to be pontificated in the new millenium.
There's no being on earth like the black woman. She has been the backbone of the black family every since the black male was emasculated during slavery. She has served as both mother and father in far too many instances. In the workplace, sisters deal with the double edged sword of racism and sexism. So when it comes to being Superwoman, black women have been there and done that.
Yet black men are not looking for superwoman in his mate, he's looking for a woman, a lady. However, sisters have gotten so accustomed to the lead, they often are unable to step back even into a role of equality in relationship. The previous generation of black mothers raised our women this way. "Get your education girl, you don't want to have to cook and clean for no man. Make your own money, pay your own, bills." All the while, most of those mothers were married for years and years, as though cooking and cleaning by anyone in a relationship is a bad thing.
Ms. Jones, in her article, puts it like this:
It's not an easy transition for the modern black woman to make. It sounds submissive, reactionary, outmoded, oppressive. We have fought so hard for so many things, and rightfully so. We have known so many men who were shaky, jive and untrustworthy. Yet we must admit that we are shaky, jive and willful in our own ways.
Not having a husband allows us to do whatever we want, when and how we want to do it. Having one means we have to share the power and certain points will have to be surrendered. We are terrified of marriage and commitment-yet dread the prospect of being single and alone.
But I wouldn't say brothers are scared off, I think they are more so turned off. The male ego is fragile, I'll be the first to admit. And playing to that ego is the total antithesis of what independent women are about. What other point in history have you heard women say "I don't need a man." The truth of the matter is we need each other. I'm not ashamed to say I need my wife, we're stronger together than apart.
Our families are at stake, our communities are at stake. Men and women must swallow their pride and meet each other in the middle. The numbers tell us that there are more available women than men, but there are still a lot of good single brothers out there. The divorce rate in the African-American community has been reported as high as 70%, so even when we get together, we don't stay together.
Black men and women are going to have to figure this out at some point. I look at what black couples fight and divorce over today, and it doesn't seem like much compared to our ancestors. I mean, whose grandfather didn't have a girlfriend (at least one of your grandaddies). Older generations of women can laugh at those rough times that they fought through, while a hint of infedelity today lands a brother straight in divorce court.
It's an interesting topic that I don't have the answer to. The problem is not only single women who can't find a good man, but married sisters who have a good one but can't find a way to be happy with him. Yet here we are 16 years later, and the question is still out there.
